There are some things that people don't often talk about. And there are very few examples of websites willing to put their pride (and joy) on the line to discuss which are the best male masturbators and sex toys that are available in the UK.
The marketplace is a minefield, and with so much shame surrounding the products, it is very easy to get scammed - or at worst - sold something you're too embarrassed to claim as fraud on your bank statement. It's happened to the best of us.
Anyway, we have decided to put rubber on the road and see which wood-sander we think is the best value, easiest to use and, most importantly, the one that gets the all-important A+.
Let's get into it:
Ok, let's be serious about this. What is technology good for if we can't create the very best sex toys a man can think of? A male masturbator that is as advanced as your mobile phone! That is the golden ticket.
This addition is on the high-end of things with a price tag of just over £58. For that, you should expect (nay, demand) a little more from your sex toy.
Well, this thing has fully controllable vibration, suction settings and heat settings - it is waterproof, quieter than a person shouting (why that is a selling point, you'll have to ask Govosaaan) and uses super long-life lithium batteries.
You simply need to slip this on, put on some Startrek VR roleplay videos and the technology will take care of the rest.
The reason why this is here because it has over 150 reviews on Amazon, in a product category which is shy on reviews.
So check out the full features here via their amazon UK profile.
Well, Lovehoney have called their entry: Tara. Why? No idea - but a nice name, I suppose.
The reason for including this male masturbater is because it is simple, easy to clean and gets the job done. There is some deep primal part of me that is terrified of putting my sausage into something that resembles some kind of meat grinder. If you like the very real chance of having your wedding veg turned into a smoothy, then that's absolutely fantastic news, keep scrolling.
Tara is sold for £12 and will never leave your side. She is robust, realistic, easy to clean and has a textured core for additional... well, textures.
It can be combined with some lube and does the job that one of the upcoming space-craft can, for a fraction of the price.
You can get is discretly via Amazon - who offer free returns too.
Original Fleshlight Fleshpilot
The OG. The Fleshlight Pilot. Just say, you're not that into the more realistic options here but you don't want something that uses AI and a microchip? Got you!
The Fleshlight Fleshpilot is widely considered the best male masturbator by thousands of happy customers. It is slick, discrete, and stylish and uses a soft internal core to cover all (2-12 inches) in absolute glory.
The product has thousands of 5-star reviews on Amazon, eBay and online forums. It is the safe pair of hands, the warm cuddle after a long day at work or whatever it is you wish for when you're in the mood.
Pocket Pussy by Sex Toys4men
Well, this is one for the adventurers out there. Not only are we entering the territory of 'multi-functional' male masturbators but ones that could be easily on display in a glass cabinet in an art museum in Amsterdam.
Writing this, I'm not entirely sure how safe it is to fully 'dig into' what the selling point of this sex toy is, but I'm sure if you're looking at the image here it is hard to beat around the bush. I don't want to be getting myself in a deep hole - or trouble. It may become a right pain in the a... ok, enough of that.
The robust and cost-effective option is very versatile and offers a variety of experiences... The product is easy to wash, is made from soft and flexible rubber and is way more realistic than the terminator's arm above.
If this is the kind of male sex toy you're into, then head on over to Amazon UK where it is sold discretely and with next-day shipping.
...and you thought I was overdoing it with the star trek joke above. You ain't seen nothing yet.
This is more so a Fleshlight accessory, but it is by far one of the most ergonomic male sex toys we've come across. There are some that go all bells and whistles with lights and spinny things, but that sometimes makes the whole endeavour harder.
What you need is a device that makes everything feel seamless. Look, what do most of us do? We check that nobody is home, put on a nice movie on our phone (with one hand) and do the deed (in the other). It can be a whole ramshackle shaky uncoordinated affair but it's how things have been done since the invention of the iPhone.
What if I said that you can hold on with both hands and let the starship enterprise do the hard work? It has a port for your Fleshlight, a handy port for your phone and two handles that you need to simply hold onto for dear life.
Don't get me wrong, I am not going to spend nearly £300 on this myself - but if you have the cash, this is a super big flex.
At least have a look at it - have a look around, maybe a test drive? Find it here.